


It Starts With a Whimper

by foxboxtango



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: (except for a brief interlude to first-person), (holy cow this is a lot of tags...sorry), Jim is a bit of a dick, M/M, Not really though, Present Tense, Spock has some control issues, Tarsus IV, Third-person, also a little bit second-person I forgot but it's not in the tradition way, but also kind of a genius and a good person who's hurting a bit, complete disregard for grammatical rules, i don't even know what genre this is, no really a lot, possibly with some drama and angst thrown in there, romance I think, somewhat fast build, sort of stream of consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 17:03:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/994373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxboxtango/pseuds/foxboxtango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a whimper, and ends with a bang.</p>
<p>(Just a quiet one, the sound of two minds colliding softly and meeting each other as if to say, 'hello there, yes we are together now, no nothing can tear us apart, yes I do love you', but a bang nonetheless.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Starts With a Whimper

_It starts with a whimper._

A quiet one - small and sad, like an injured animal would make.

Spock will remember the sound for the rest of his life.

When you are leaning over someone, dominating them physically and your hands are wrapped around their throat and you can feel everything they feel you can taste the life force bleeding out of them-

You know, logically, you should stop.  Let up.  Give them back their air, give them back more than just enough to whimper.

But you don't, because for the first time in your adult life you are allowing yourself to _feel_ \- to be angry and hurt and lash out because you were never allowed to do those things on Vulcan ( _and now Vulcan is gone_ ), and if you did than you were wrong and they were right.  And if they were right then everything they said was right and it meant that you were an abomination, a freak, and everything they said and more, everything they didn't say but implied was true too, and whoever says that Vulcans don't feel is lying, and every single one of them is a liar too because they do feel, have always felt, and never act.

And suddenly Spock realises that this man, the man whose life he is taking, choking out of him second by second, holds no anger for him.  There is truly no malice, no hate, no disgust, only pure sympathy, sadness, pity.  Spock's mind reels.  There is no logical explanation for James T. Kirk's actions - what could possibly lead him to say those terrible, awful, hurtful words ( _don't let them hurt you, don't let yourself act_ ), words that goad and taunt him into acting ( _if you act then they're right and you're nothing more than a filthy hybrid_ ) if he did not feel conviction for those very same words?

"Spock."

And then he is back to his childhood, facing his father after another day of torment from his peers ( _bullies_ ), being told it is illogical to react in such a violent manner when it is only words, meaningless words they use to try and hurt him - and marriage is a thing of politics and logic where are your politics and logic now when Vulcan is gone and mother is gone he watched her fall right before his eyes and I will never tell her that I did love her-

Spock lets go.  He releases his hold on the man's neck, straightens and bows his head because he has only just remembered that this is in front of every single person on the Bridge.  An alien, alien to _everyone_ , half-Human and half-Vulcan ( _never belonging_ ), has lost every single bit of his prized control; it is shattered, broken to pieces and lying on the floor where it can hurt anybody who comes too close.

He turns and submits his control. Relieves himself of the Captain's duties and walks straight out of the Bridge and away. Away from James T. Kirk who felt so sorry for his loss and yet tormented him so deeply, away from Uhura who is watching with an expression so sad it cuts to the core, away from his father who is so disappointed in having an emotional, illogical creature for a son 

Away to the teleporter where he saw her die right before his eyes, and he hears Chekov crying, "I lost her" and he lost her too and why is it that none of his emotional shields are holding? Why is it that the only thing he wants to do is curl up tight and let nobody near him, or open himself up so completely to a person that he could trust absolutely and give his entire self, or go after every single being responsible for his mother's death and find them and hurt them and make them hurt in the same way and never be able to do anything about it.

And then someone finds him and it is not his father, as he was expecting, come to chastise him for his loss of control and shameful behaviour. It is not Doctor McCoy, come to chew him out, as he would say, for sending Poor Jim to Delta Vega and nearly getting him eaten by some kind of alien monster. It is not even Nyota, come to offer him comfort, a shoulder to cry on to let those buried emotions out.

It is James T. Kirk himself. Spock is on his knees, resting on the circle that his mother failed to appear on, staring at the floor in desperation until he hears those footsteps. Kirk walks forward slowly. His neck is still red, and fingerprints stand out clearly - they will bruise, and he will most likely have difficulty talking clearly for the next 3.6 days. Spock nearly crushed his larynx.

"Spock."

His voice is hoarse, as Spock suspected, from the beating he just received. Spock winces at the thought.

"I'm sorry.  I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean those things I said on the Bridge, but I had to get the ship back and he told me you were emotionally compromised and I didn't believe him at first but of course you would be you just lost everything and I rubbed it in your face and I wish I had the strength to let you hurt me, you should be able to hurt me, to make me pay for what I said and I can never apologise enough but I hope that in the future you will be able to see that I did what needed to be done and that I would never have tormented you if there was any other way - never, and certainly not about that."

Whatever Spock had been expecting, it wasn't that.

Kirk drops to his knees in front of Spock and looks at him beseechingly.

"I swear, as soon as this is finished, we can go to the gym or wherever and you can just beat the shit out of me and get all of that anger out because I completely deserve it, I'm a horrible person. And I know that what I'm asking you to do now is horrible too, but I need your help to get this guy. You're one of the best officers ever, Spock, and I don't think I can do it without you. Chekov is working his tiny genius brain to the max out there, but he's going to need all the help he can get."

 _Blue_ , is what Spock thinks. Kirk's eyes are so blue, every different shade of it there is, and there was not a lot of blue on Vulcan. It's such an Earthy colour. All of their blue oceans and skies, and so little of the hot red desert and sand, the overwhelming dry heat that Vulcans thrived in and Spock had never dared to say was too much.

"Yes," he says after a long time. It is not the correct answer to a statement that never quite worked its way into a question, and at any other time Spock would not have forgiven himself the lapse in proper sentence construction and grammar, but it seems to be understood nevertheless.

Kirk's lips break into a heart-shattering grin, as though he is unable to believe his own good luck. Spock is not quite sure what is so fantastic about having the alien who has just attempted to strangle you to death agree to work closely with you again, but decides not to comment. 

Kirk stands and does not offer his hand. Perhaps he does not feel as though his touch will be welcome, or perhaps he knows more about Vulcan culture and biology than Spock would have thought. Regardless, it is a good thing he does not stretch out his hand because Spock knows, without any doubt, that he would have taken it. There would have been no thought, only pure comfort-seeking blindness that would have led to many bad things.

When they return to the bridge, Chekov is talking about Romulan ships and hiding the _Enterprise_  to an angry looking Doctor McCoy - whether he is angry because of the fight he was just forced to witness, angry that Spock has arrived back on the Bridge so soon, or angry because he has no clue as to what Chekov is talking about, Spock can not say with absolute certainty.

He cuts in with agreement, earning a bright grin from the Russian prodigy who seems grateful to have an audience that knows what he is saying (and a scowl from 'Bones', whose initial dislike of the half-Vulcan seems to intensify with every passing moment).

Things all go to hell, as the Humans so regularly say, not long after that.

Nero is dangerous, violent, mad, and yet...

And yet Spock, while he hates Nero with a passion that he so rarely allows himself to feel, can almost understand the reasons for his actions.  He far from agrees with or condones those deeds in any way, but Spock, whose mother has just been taken from him without a second thought realises that he can imagine a situation where his emotions take control of his actions and what became of Nero would become of him.

(He shudders to think of such a scenario, and almost directs Jim to dispose of him immediately if the situation should ever arise.)

But that does not stop him from immensely enjoying Nero's destruction - he had tortured Admiral Pike, destroyed Vulcan and killed his mother, and he had hurt James T. Kirk, who did not let so much as a grunt escape him when he was beaten by the Romulan guard, let alone a whimper.

(Spock wonders what that means, wonders what that makes him - and then has to stop before his thoughts become any more fanciful than they already are.  The Vulcan High Council will have his head if they catch wind of how emotional he is becoming.)

Events gradually sort themselves out.  Spock meets his older, alternate self and then knows why the events on the Bridge occurred ( _and there is nothing to forgive, not really, you did what you had to to save the lives of the crew, the Earth, and my life too, I will not harm you for that_ ).  He has a moment of startlingly clear epiphany, where he realises that there is no place he would rather be ( _not Earth where he can continue his research in peace and teach as he had before, not with Starfleet who holds his duty, not even on Vulcan, where he should by all rights be leading the effort to return Vulcan to its previous state despite its distinct lack of Amanda Grayson_ ) than on the _Enterprise._ _  
_

With Jim.

By his side.

If Spock is honest that concerns him, but as long he is continuing to tell the truth (and he is not yet in the habit of lying to himself) it does not come as much of a surprise.

From that moment, the moment where Jim had taunted him into a fight and then stepped back and _taken it_ , feeling nothing but sadness and remorse and guilt, the moment when Spock had realised that despite his words and actions and attitude, this man, this Captain ( _his Captain_ ) was a genius, the moment when he had closed his eyes and choked on nothing and let out a tiny, sorrowful _whimper_ -

Spock had been captured.  Enraptured, captivated, entranced.  He can not think of any single logical thing that would pry him from the Captain's side, and a few illogical things beside would have a difficult time removing him from his place.

It starts with a whimper, and ends with a bang.

( _Just a quiet one, the sound of two minds colliding softly and meeting each other as if to say, 'hello there, yes we are together now, no nothing can tear us apart, yes I do love you', but a bang nonetheless._ )

* * *

At first everything is normal, or at least whatever can pass for normal on board the _Enterprise_.  The crew, having overcome Nero and bonded through the shared experience, works like a well-oiled machine.  Lieutenant Sulu no longer forgets to take off the parking brake before entering warp.  Ensign Chekov is managing to get his authorisation codes right on his first try nearly every time now, and often makes his way down to Engineering to tinker with Scotty.  Communications Officer Lieutenant Uhura has tuned their instruments so finely that no matter what frequency an incoming signal is, they'll be able to hear it - she's also stopped glaring at Jim every time he walks into her line of sight and started returning Scotty's much softer, more admirable gazes.  The Chief Engineer himself is often up to his eyeballs in grease and machine parts and has never been happier, particularly after managing to find and return Admiral Archer's (relatively unharmed) prized beagle, and realising that he has nothing to fear from Spock for making eyes at Uhura.  Doctor McCoy remains as grumpy as ever, but it is often done in good humour with a sort of comfort to it now, and the fierce protectiveness he feels not only for Jim but for the whole crew (including the redshirts and yes - even Spock) is evident in the way he grouses when anybody injures themselves or another.  He is as 'trigger happy' as ever with his hyposprays.

Captain Kirk's changes are dramatic but subtle, and consistently for the better.  Spock recognises the signs of a man who has gone to the brink, who has nearly lost everything and realises how much life means to him, how much he wants to remain alive.  His commands are becoming less reckless, less stupidly dangerous as the desire to prove himself wanes (and to whom he wanted to prove himself to in the first place, Spock is still unsure).  He still leads away teams, will still jump off a giant drilling rig if he feels it is necessary, and he never views his life as more important than any member of his crew's (Spock occasionally feels very strongly to the contrary, but forces himself not to mention it).  However, the reckless endangerment has decreased, something Doctor McCoy is quite obviously pleased with, though he remains slightly confused as to what caused it.  Whenever he asks Jim why he's "so goddamn happy" all the time, all he gets in reply from the Captain is a shrug accompanied by the words, "I dunno Bones, it just feels like everything's going to be okay, y'know?  And not in the ominous way either, I just feel that even if it does all go to hell in a hand basket, I'm going to have someone there with me for the whole thing".  When Doctor McCoy raises his eyebrow ("In a poor imitation of you, Spock, you're way better at it," according to Jim) all he does is shrug again and laugh, clapping his friend on the shoulder before sauntering away and ignoring the doctor's calls for a brain scan.

It is only later, when events truly do ' _go to hell in a hand basket_ ', that Spock realises he must have changed too.  The _Enterpise_ is facing off against a ship of space pirates, something that seems to happen to them worryingly often and Spock feels he should investigate.  Captain Kirk is pacing on the Bridge, with his crew under strict, though secret, orders to keep him there.  He has organised an away team to teleport onto the hostile vessel and look for any prisoners.  Jim knows that it will be dangerous, and he is annoyed that he cannot currently join them.  He is not aware that Spock is leading the team.

Nobody will tell him until after the fact.

Negotiations with the Captain of the illegal vessel are time-consuming and frustrating.  They are constantly at an impasse, with neither man willing to give in or give up.  The pirates want rations and an oath that the _Enterprise_ will not shoot at them when they enter warp.  Kirk is adamant that they hand over their stolen goods and any people they may have picked up, human or otherwise.  Though never progressing beyond a stalemate, the talks give the away team long enough to teleport to the pirate ship, free the terrified Antedeans who had been trapped in the hold and forbidden to induce the catatonic state they normally enter when travelling through space, and beam back on board the _Enterprise_.

The Antedeans and three of the five away team members arrive safely back to the ship.  Spock and another, red-shirted officer remain on board to deal with the complications that have unfortunately, though not entirely unexpectedly, arrived.

This is when shit gets serious.

Phasers are being shot heedlessly down the corridors.  Spock and the officer ( _Timothy_ ) are trapped in the hold where the prisoners had been kept, with limited visibility and very little room to manoeuvre. They occasionally risk poking their heads around the wall to fire carefully at the pirates marching towards them, but for the most part, all they can do is attempt to contact the _Enterprise_ and hope that they'll be beamed out before they get annihilated.

"Spock to the _Enterprise_ , two to beam aboard, Mr Scott do you receive?"

Nothing.

Timothy sticks his hand out and fires without looking. Several grunts and muffled thumps signify his success.

"Spock to the _Enterprise_ , Mr Scott please return some form of acknowledgment that you are receiving our signal.  We have two to beam aboard - if you can energise, please do so immediately."

Silence.

Spock looks up and aims carefully at the guard who has managed to make it around the corner.  He falls to the floor immediately, and those behind him retreat to the safety of the corridor around the corner.

"Spock to _Enterprise_ , Officer Timothy Cardon and myself are currently trapped in the hold and are defending ourselves against multiple guards.  I estimate the number of opposing forces to be approximately seven, but with extremely limited visibility it is possible that I am mistaken.  We need immediate transportation, Mr Scott.  There's two to beam aboard, and it would be greatly appreciated if you could get us out now - _tuh_."

Tim looks on in horrified silence as Spock stares down at his chest.  His blue science shirt quickly begins to stain green.  Behind Tim, a figure starts to move forwards and Spock, with one hand pressing against his side and the other clenching tightly around his phaser, raises his left hand and fires.  Seconds later, they're both ensconced in golden light and beamed back on board the _Enterprise._

"Get medical!" Tim shouts as soon as he is able.  Scotty looks up from where he is grinning, pleased with himself for finally having managed to beam them up.  As he sees Spock, his grin fades and he nearly falls off his seat.

"This is Engineering to Medical, we have an injured party on board with alien biology, please report to the teleporter immediately to administer medical attention."

Spock will later wonder at the strange wording - why did Mr Scott not simply say that it was he that was injured - but he is becoming too hazy to comment.  Within minutes, Doctor McCoy has arrived, panting slightly, and he curses when he sees the green blood spreading across the floor.

"Goddamit Spock, you'd better not be dead, or else Jim's going to kill me.  You're lucky that whoever shot you didn't have a damn clue about Vulcan physiology, or else you'd be dead for sure - he clearly just assumed that your heart would be where they normally are, or otherwise didn't care.  Fortunately for you, your heart's on the right side of your torso, and far enough from the wound that you most likely won't die.  Though it's still a distinct possibility."

"I am quite aware of where my vital organs are positioned in my body, Doctor," Spock comments weakly.

"Shut up," McCoy snarls, having already cut through Spock's science blues and black undershirt.  He reaches into his medical bag and draws out a thick strip of gauze bandage.  "I mean it - Jim will literally kill me if you die, so why don't you just go into that handy Vulcan healing trance, you pointy-eared bastard, and let me do my job."

Spock wants to say many things in response to that.  However, the tension in McCoy's body and voice is evident, and the fear that he cannot hide makes his eyes hard.  Spock simply nods, allows his own eyes to fall shut, and breathes.

 _In_.

_Out._

-|-

_In_

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

_Out._

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

_In._

Beep.

Beep.

"Bones!  Are you going to be able to tell me what's going on here?"

Beep.

 _Out_.

"I've been running around the whole ship, trying to find my First Officer!"

Beep.

Beep.

"I've been to Engineering, the mess, even his private quarters!"

Beep.

_In._

"Jim."

Beep.

"Everybody keeps telling me they've seen him around, but either he's deliberately shadowing me to mess me around, they're lying, or I'm going crazy!"

Beep.

Beep.

_Out._

Beep.

"Jim, calm down."

Beep.

"Bones?"

Beep.

"What's happened?"

 _In_.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

 _Out_.

Beep.

"Can you tell me where Spock is?"

Beep.

"Yes."

Beep.

" _Will you_?"

_In._

Beep.

Beep.

"Yes."

Beep.

 _Out_.

Jim is standing in the doorway to Medical, hair sticking up at odd angles and frustration set in his shoulders.  Bones steps back wearily and pushes aside the curtain hanging around one of the beds.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

 _In_.

"Bones?"

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"I don't understand.

 _Out_.

Leonard McCoy breathes out in exhaustion and runs a hand through his own somewhat exciting hair.

Beep.

"Spock led the away team that brought back the Antedeans.  I...three of the team came back with all of the prisoners, but Spock and a red-shirter were left behind.  (Beep) Something went wrong with the Comms, I don't know what.  It might have been the other ship, or it might have been our end, but Uhura and Scotty have both been tinkering away so I can't imagine it was us.  (Beep)  Spock was left there trying to keep himself and another guy safe, and he got shot in the side."

 _In_.

Jim's face is horrified.  He takes a long look at Spock stretched out on the bed.  His skin is tinged slightly green, and a thick gauze is wrapped around his side.

Beep.

"Is he going to be okay?"

Beep.

"He'll be just fine, the stubborn hobgoblin that he is."

Beep.

"They missed his heart.  It's in a different place than ours, Jim - luckily for him"

_Out._

"He's entered that Vulcan voodoo healing trance or whatever it is they do.  He'll be back to annoying everyone on the Bridge with protocol in no time."

Beep.

Jim looks distrustfully at the body on the bed.

Beep.

Bones rolls his eyes.

Beep.

_In._

"If you want to sit with him for a while you can, but don't expect much.  They go in pretty deep until someone shakes them out of it."

Glee takes over the Doctor's face.

"I think that means I get to slap the pointy-eared bastard until he wakes up!"

Beep.

Bones disappears into his office.

Beep.

Jim steps forward hesitantly.

Beep.

 _Out_.

"Spock?"

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

 _In_.

"Why?"

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"I don't understand why you lead the away team."

 _Out_.

He reaches forward and sets his hand on Spock's, first gently, and then his face crumples and he weaves their fingers together tightly.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"I guess now I know why nobody would tell me where you were."

 _In_.

"A ship's only as good as her weakest link, and if I'd known you were off risking your life..."

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"I think I would have been pretty weak."

 _Out_.

Jim scowls.

Beep.

"Listen to me, you're not even conscious."

Beep.

"If you were you'd probably tell me that talking to a comatose person is 'highly illogical, Captain'."

Beep.

_In._

"Please wake up soon," Jim whispers.

Beep.

Bones, looking in silently from his office, feels his heart break slightly, and then glowers at nothing and whirls around to pour himself a glass of scotch (and give them privacy, not that he'd ever admit it).

Beep.

Jim sighs and squeezes Spock's hand once.

Beep.

 _Out_.

Beep.

J...i...m

Beep.

He blinks quickly, telling himself sternly that it's not right for the Captain of a starship to cry.

Beep.

J..i..m

_In._

Spock's pinky finger flexes slightly.

Beep.

J.i.m

Beep.

Jim.

Beep.

 _Out_.

Jim feels a gentle prodding sensation against his head and looks around wildly.  He can't see anyone.

Beep.

Jim.

Beep.

"Hello?" Jim whispers.

 _In_.

T'hy'la.

Beep.

"Hello?" Jim speaks louder now, and raises his head to look fully around the room.

Beep.

T'hy'la.

 _Out_.

Thank you.

Beep.

"Spock?" he asks incredulously.  The fingers against his twitch.

Beep.

Yes.

_In._

"Are you okay?"

Beep.

I am...tired.

_Out._

There is another twitch, and then Jim notices the faster breathing.

Beep.

"Well, you were shot," he points out, and fancies that he can feel Spock's subtle amusement even as he prepares to call for Bones.

 _In_.

This is very true, Captain.

Beep.

"Are you waking up?"

_Out._

I believe so, yes.

Beep.

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

Jim holds his breath as Spock's eyes open, at first bright and clear, and then clouded over with pain.  He winces at the hurt lancing through his own head, and his eyes widen as he stares down at their interlocked hands.

"You," he starts.

Spock stares, but Jim can tell how much pain he is in, and swallows his questions to get Bones.

The doctor comes when called and Jim is about to stand and let go when Spock tightens his grip for one second and says, quite silently and clearly, _Thank you_.

James looks at him for one long moment and can only nod, and then Bones comes bustling through, setting hypospray after hypospray against Spock's skin and Jim is forced to fade into the background, but he can feel Spock's eyes on him, knows that he is not forgotten.

So he concentrates, perhaps harder than he ever has before, on what he felt mere moments ago, and thinks with all that he has, _You are always welcome._   He is rewarded with the rush of awe and affection that comes tumbling through into his head, like a dam wall has been broken, and he has to consciously stop the smile spreading across his face.  He looks at Spock once more, and then slips out of the medical bay and walks towards the nearest turbo lift.

_T'hy'la._

He likes the sound of that.

* * *

A cry sparks in his mind.

Spock bolts upright on his bed, fear clamouring in his head, and it takes him a moment to realise it isn't all his ( _help help please anybody help_ ).

He swings his feet onto the floor and stands with a grace that only Vulcans possess, but in no doubt what his father would call a manner unbecoming of his son. ( _please!_ )

Spock can still feel the terror, but he manages to separate it from his own fear - it is Jim's ( _and that cuts him to the core, makes him hurt more than his own fear because his Captain should never be afraid on his own Ship, in his own rooms_ ) and images start to flash before his eyes, so fast he cannot concentrate on them all.

Tarsus IV maybe it would be a good place to live when his mother and brother and step-father (never his real father never George who died to save him) couldn't be bothered dealing with him and his trouble-

Tarsus IV was fun he had friends there and a family who cared for him and wanted him to succeed to thrive to live and he had never had that before maybe he would stay here after the required time, maybe he could be happy here-

Tarsus IV you're going to be a little bit hungry at the moment Jim because the crops aren't good this time around but it will be over soon and then you'll have proper food again next year will be better-

Tarsus IV the crops have failed and everyone is hungry so hungry and next year isn't better it's worse because so many have died already and there's an official order that Jim doesn't know about isn't supposed to know about but he does because he's good with technology-

Tarsus IV where 4000 have been sentenced to death and 4000 have been allowed to live to eat and Jim and so many others go hungry so hungry _hunger hunger hunger_ is all he can think about and if he had just one more thing to eat he'd never be hungry again and he knows he said that last time but he means it now-

Tarsus IV the last survivors have been found been rounded up and are taken to the governor Governor Kodos who ordered everything decided that it was his turn to play God play executioner play with people's lives and Jim doesn't think so not any more-

Tarsus IV and he is among the last survivors when Starfleet arrive and saves them and he wants to be grateful wants to thank them and cry in relief but _Kodos_ _escaped_ and now he is out there with his twisted ideas and the thousands of people's blood on his hands and Jim hopes he feels guilt hopes he never escapes it hopes he turns mad with the hurt of it because he's pretty sure he will too-

Tarsus IV when Jim-

Tarsus IV and-

Tarsus IV-

Tarsus-

 _Tarsus_ -

**_ Tarsus- _ **

"JIM!"

The word is torn from Spock's throat, unbidden because he can no longer take any more of his pain, does not want Jim to feel that way either, wants the hurt to disappear, to vanish, to be forgotten, and he feels so worthless, so _helpless._

He runs through their bathroom, reaches for the door to the Captain's quarters and can't open it.

Rage runs through him so hot it is no trouble at all to simply break the lock and push the door out of the way, nearly sending it off its hinges.

"Jim, James, can you hear me?"

Spock is quiet now, fearful again after the rage disappears.  Jim is lying almost completely still on his bed, only the subtle flexing of his arms and his quick, harsh breathing betraying the image of his corpse-like state.

"Captain, you must wake up."

Nothing.  And

_Tarsus Tarsus Tarsus oh god help me please help everyone is dying and I can't do anything to stop it Starfleet help Tarsus Tarsus Tarsus there is so much food that is hidden away so much food and none of it for us none Tarsus Tarsus Tarsus Governor Kodos is foul and disgusting and why should he get to decide who lives there are no words bad enough for a man like him less than a man no honour or guilt or kindness Tarsus Tarsus Tarsus_

is still rocketing through Jim's head, through Spock's head, through their heads, and he doesn't know what to do about it, to help him except say

 _"Jim, I will help you, please listen to me you are Starfleet now and nobody will go hungry when you can save them, nobody will die while you still have power to halt their death, no person will get to play God when you are there to stop him, and no person, more or less than a man, will get to decide who will live and who will die while_ we _can put an end to his mad ruling.  I will help you but I need you to help me too, because I am unsure, I am alone in my head and it is so lonely can you heal me so that I can help you too, Jim?  We can help each other, help the_ Enterprise _, help everyone in the galaxy, no matter where in Space they are, but we need to start fixing ourselves before we do that do you understand?"_

_"Yes."_

Yes yes you will not be alone, no longer alone, I will be with you now and forever, and you can help me forget and overcome and always remember, and then we can start helping the rest of them, all the poor, the hungry, the lonely, the damaged all of them will find a home and they will be saved yes thank you Spock yes

He wakes and breathes air like a drowned man surfacing from the depths.  Their eyes lock and everything they have said but not passes between them in that moment.  They are together now.  Bound by thought and will and emotion, and it is strong, it is unbreakable, they are united and will never be hurt and alone again, will always have someone to rely on, to go to when they are confused and angry and scared.

 _T'hy'la_.

My mind to your mind.

My thoughts to your thoughts.

There is a connection that transcends anything previously known to either of them.  It is deep, far deeper than any confession of love or hate will ever go.  The time they have known each other, how short or how long, is unimportant.  From the moment Jim trusts Spock enough to allow him to hear that small whimper, the moment Spock trusts Jim enough to let him in his head, that is the moment destiny is decided for them.

They are more than a united front.  They are more than a good command team.

They are forever.

_T'hy'la._

Brothers, warriors, lovers, friends, bondmates.

My mind to your mind.

My thoughts to your thoughts.

My soul to your soul.

My heart to your heart.

In eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> So this has been sitting on my computer for a while now. I haven't really been in the mood for writing a lot lately, which is really depressing for me - I know I've sort of abandoned Feline and Canine at the moment, and I hate that because it always drove me insane. I promise I will get back to it - eventually. In about two and a half months I'll have summer holidays (yay!) so I'll get plenty of time to write and become creative again without worrying that I'm skipping out on all of my mounds and mounds of school work. Yeesh, school sucks sometimes. Anyway, I'm not really sure what brought this on, to be honest, but there are bits of it that I really like! (Though that being said there are also bits that are not my favourite, but I'm happy with the majority of it). On the off chance that any pedants write me an annoyed comment, I am completely aware that I have sort of ignored grammar in this story. That was a deliberate choice because I'd hoped it would evoke the appropriate feelings of the piece. I don't care if I sound pretentious - there's a certain poetic/artistic license when it comes to fictional writing, possibly especially with fanfiction, and I intend to make full use of it. So there.   
> Also, just so everyone knows, the 'beeps' in the second section are from Spock's heart monitor. I don't know if it comes across as I wanted it to in my head, but I felt I should keep it in because I couldn't think of another way to capture the scene properly. Anyway, I hope that made sense... As always, nothing previously recognised belongs to me - if it did, I'd probably find some way to horribly defile the characters. So maybe it's a good thing, in the end.


End file.
